No human being can play golf that well so consistently. The kind of domination Tiger Woods wields over everyone in the world who plays golf requires a mental consistency of which no human being is capable. Therefore, Tiger Woods is not human. So what is he? Well, I have a few theories and stay with me because they kind of blend into each other. They are:
A. Tiger Woods is a robot
B. Tiger Woods is an alien
C. Tiger Woods is a changeling
First, you know we common folk aren’t aware of the truly cutting edge technology that exists and prototype testing that goes on in secret. Tiger could be the product of the uber-private robotics industry. This could either be done in the private sector or by a major government power. Given that he is an American, probably the United States government. I don’t see another country’s government just handing us a winner like that even if it meant a better cover.
Second, you know we are not alone. Not only in the universe, but here on Earth. Exhibit A: The praying mantis. 
A friend recently pointed out to me that they are, of course, actually aliens and I completely agree. Look at their cool demeanor and the way they observe the world and indeed, you. Look at the way they control their numbers on Earth in order to remain inconspicuous until they decide to take over: the females bite the heads off of the males after mating. I think they know that the human form has the greatest advantage over other species on the planet and they will take the form of humans once we have killed ourselves off with our stupidity. Tiger might just be their prototype. That’s where the third theory comes in and the blending begins.
Perhaps the aliens are capable of a changeling type of metamorphosis.
Is this what Tiger looked like before the change?
“Achieving trust is always the final step with a change.” – Tiger Woods
Maybe deep down, he wasn’t talking about his swing.
More than likely, their evolution is so far beyond our own that we couldn’t even comprehend the kind of mental discipline, intelligence and physical power they possess. Maybe they didn’t want to “waste” one of their own by experimenting with the form of a human. Instead, they developed a robotic simulation of themselves for the test. I guess the simplistic human equivalent would be like sending a monkey into space before a human.
How about when he doesn’t win?
If Tiger ever has a bad hole, four in a row, comes in second in a tournament or even misses a cut, you can bet it’s by design. They don’t want to blow their cover. It’s just that their little experiment has his own highly involved intelligence center (way beyond our simple brains). He’s fully capable of winning every tournament every time and they let him dominate the sport but he’s gotta make it look good. Lately, I think he disobeyed some of his orders and is drawing too much attention to himself. I wonder if they’ll rein him in a bit.
But he’s so emotional!
Oh, and what about that emotional display at the British Open? Was that some kind of flaw in the dominant mental system? Not at all. He became attached to his earthly father and probably has some true feelings there, but I think he never would have expressed them. The superiors were looking for a way to make him appear more human, so after his “father” died, they had him miss a cut and then activated his emotion chip on the 18th hole at the Open. I wonder if his earth family and Steve Williams are the biggest victims of the deception or if the aliens are using some kind of mind control in order to let them in on it.
Why Tiger?
Okay, so why would they choose to do this with a golfer? Easy. They wanted it to be an athletic figure so they could test the physical capabilities of the human body. They wanted him to be a public figure because it’s just fun to bamboozle so many people. Of the sports, golf is the most mentally challenging. But most importantly, it’s the sport with the most nature around so the mantis can observe unobtrusively. I’d like to see some of that nose-hair zoom camera work at the next PGA event focusing on the mantis leader.
So, there you have it. Tiger Woods is a robotic changeling alien. You heard it here first.
Photos courtesy Erich Mangl.
Next post.
Umm… did someone say something about sexy?
Golf horoscopes, why I’m like Tiger Woods, and why to bet on Natalie Gulbis
It is Friday night, right? I expected to be doing something else tonight but my other half is down with some kind of nasty cold. Rather than dosing up on Airborne and Emergen-C like I’m known to do in such situations, I opted instead to go the route of the martini. Truth be told, I intended to do the martini thing last night but I never got around to it, so I am glad for the opportunity. And though I’ve cautioned in the past against drinking and flogging, here I am – sitting with my Goose, my martini (also a goose of the gray variety even though they spell it wrong) and Tom Waits, typing away. I have to say that these blue cheese olives I bought at BevMo suck. Shoulda stuck to my own hand-stuffed freshies. Ah well, live and learn.
I suppose I should find the point. Not the one on my head (I actually have a pointy skull and if I ever shaved my head I’d probably look like a real Conehead – my parents swear they didn’t drop me) but an actual golf-related type of point. Ah yes, golf horoscopes.
While sitting here surfing around, I found a site called Pargazer which is my new favorite site. This ain’t my first square dance, though, so I won’t stick it in my links list just yet. (Ever really connect with someone at a bar and declare them your new bestest friend and swear you’ll call?)
But oh yeah – this is a golf blog. And I’m like Tiger Woods. Just lookie here:
Isn’t it interesting that there’s no mention of noted female Capricorn golfers? Nancy Lopez and Natalie Gulbis are both Capricorns. Shame on you, Pargazer! Now you’re not getting on my links list for sure (as if they’ll feel the pain). I’m not going to spend any time researching this
right nowbut it seems to me that horoscopes are typically more of a chick thing and the folks at Pargazer are morons for not knowing their audience.There may be critics who say Natalie hasn’t won, she won’t win, she doesn’t “have it,” she’s too “flaky.” If anyone doubts what Natalie Gulbis will accomplish, hear me now: if she wants to win at golf, she will. She may be too busy right now applying her dogged Capricorn-ness to enlisting sponsors, endorsements and fans at the moment, but when she really focuses on golf, watch out!
CalendarsLooks fade; skills develop. She’s a goat, alright!Next post.