The Golfchick

That chick blabbing about anything golf related.

Category: Off Topic (non-golf) (page 1 of 2)

There’s A Nap For That

October 16, 2009 / / 15 Comments

Failed to break 90 again (or 100 or 80 or par)? – There’s a nap for that.

Can’t get a job? – There’s a nap for that.

Can’t pay your mortgage? – There’s a nap for that.

Can’t maintain a relationship? – There’s a nap for that.

Home flooded by an accident or mother nature? – There’s a nap for that.

Can’t afford to play golf? – Yeah, there’s a nap for that, too.

Home subsequently flooded with raw sewage because of an aggressively freaky tree root? – There’s a nap for that.

Insurance companies getting you down? – There’s a nap for that.

Homeless? – There’s a nap for that.

Feeling depressed? – There’s a nap for that.

Accepting a charity round of golf from friends and still can’t break 90 (or 100 or 80 or par)? – There’s a nap for that.

IRS after your ass? – There’s a nap for that.

Realizing you’re a screw-up and letting everyone down including yourself? – Oh, there’s definitely a nap for that.

Still can’t maintain a relationship and now you know why? There’s a nap for that.

Feeling like a complete failure and not doing anything about it? – Oh boy is there a nap for that.

Knowing how “easy” it is to maintain a golf blog and not writing on it for months? – There’s a nap for that.

Drunken blogging and baring your pathetic soul? Hopefully … Priceless. (Hook me up, MasterCard.)

It’s a blog. I never claimed to be a professional (at this).

Times are tough – sweet dreams to all. And even sweeter awakenings.

I originally intended on ending this with a promise to be better about posting more frequently, but let’s be real – there may be a nap for that.

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Roots in My Pipes, Party in My Drawers

December 11, 2008 / / 14 Comments

Just a little off-topic post to try to jump start this stagnant blog.

Here’s a little taste of a couple happenings in my absence from the blogosphere. Perhaps you read the headline and thought it was an oxymoronic metaphor for my life, but it’s actually quite literal.

As I let weeds grow around this blog, plant life seems to be taking over other areas as well. So let’s start with the roots in my pipes. I have a toilet that had a really slow flush and one day, ugly dirt (yes, dirt) started bubbling up and over. Time to break down and actually call the plumber. I was disappointed yet relieved that he displayed no stereotypical crack for me to spackle, but he did find and solve the problem.

roots in my pipes

Yes, that’s an actual tree root.

Since then I’ve had another plumber come in, this time to fix a leak from upstairs dripping down into the shower. Problem solved, but I’m still waiting on the drywall contractor to come fix the hole.

Now let’s move onto the party in my drawers. Sorry, but I’ll leave it up to you to create your own salacious scenario here. What I’m here to tell you about is the party in my kitchen. When I was redecorating, I painted only one drawer red. It is the drawer that contains such handy implements as wine & bottle openers. You know, the “party drawer.” So if anyone asked me where those items were I could simply say “the red drawer.”

Recently, I found out that in the absence of human parties, those implements have been having their own fun. I opened the drawer to retrieve the aforementioned wine opener and here is what I saw:

party in my drawersLooks like MC Ice Cream Scoop (Ice is such a popular handle) decided to pump up the volume and entertain the other misfits in this drawer I obviously care very little about with a few notable exceptions. Good for him.

So, am I back? Will there soon be some actual golf related material here? As a friend recently pointed out to me, this is a difficult horse to get back on once you’ve been off for so long. But it is my sincere hope that now that I’ve posted something, I’ll get on my butt and start writing about all the golf topics that have been piling up in my head and share them with you.

If you’re still here after all this time, thank you! And I apologize for the lengthy dearth of content here.

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When simply not losing is winning

June 4, 2008 / / 5 Comments

It was a fabulous weekend at the Nevada/California state line. The golf took place on the California side at Primm Valley Golf Club and the gambling and a little sleep happened on the Nevada side at Terrible’s. The weather was the best we’ve ever had there – topped out in the low 90’s with very little wind. Beautiful!

The Golf

Well, we didn’t win anything here. My swing was in tact and thanks to the extra strokes I got for playing from the white tees with the men, I even netted three eagles per day by making par on some of the toughest holes on both the Lakes and the Desert courses. However, our team scores of 66 and 65 (131) were nowhere close to being in the money. In fact, the second day winners shot a net 50 (yes, 22 under!) which also propelled them to win the two-day prize.

primm lakes hole 10


lady noodle and eat golf tee

Little Victories

In past years, I have donated several golf balls to each of these courses. This year, I was pleased to finish the weekend as the proud owner of the golf ball and tee I used both days. By the way, the new Lady Noodle has been my favorite ball for awhile now.

Psst… hey Rich – that’s my last remaining Eat Golf tee. Guess I scattered the rest of them around courses across the country. Time to do the same for some Golf Chick tees, eh?

The Gambling

Here’s where the “not losing is winning” comes in. A couple fun nights at the Craps table allowed me to return home with more money than I took with me – yes, including the cost of the trip. The pit boss said I was the best shooter of the week. Wish that would have been true on the golf course as well. I almost expected to get upgraded to a winner’s suite. Alas, maybe some day.

Vito was quite happy to see us when we returned. Unfortunately, his anxiety manifested with some digestive problems (sorry, Mom!) as he probably thought he had moved on to another foster home. One day he’ll realize we will always come back for him! Huge thanks to Mom for taking such wonderful care of our boy.

Also – many thanks to all who sent in well wishes and inquiries about the outcome of the weekend. We had a blast!

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Striking writers write for YouTube instead of playing golf

December 13, 2007 / / 7 Comments

Warning: this post is not about golf.

A friend of mine works on the TV show “Samantha Who” and is currently out of work because of the strike. At a party over the weekend, his wife was joking with me about how much he was driving her crazy being at home all the time. She told me about this video they received from one of the writers on the show and then forwarded it along to me the next day. It’s about the same scenario she’s facing – the husband at home driving the wife bananas. His wife refused to participate in the video so he has Christina Applegate (the star of the TV show) play her part. It’s hilarious.

Personally, I think these writers should take up golf!

Here is the link in case the embed fails.


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For the victims and families at Virginia Tech

April 30, 2007 / / 0 Comments

one day blog silence

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Happy Birthday to The Goose!

February 6, 2007 / / 6 Comments

It’s a big day at the Williams house. We are honoring the 12th birthday of Her Royal Highness Kess (a.k.a. The Goose). For those of you who don’t know, that’s an impressive number for a Great Dane. I know I’ll never make it that far in human years. Not even close. So what do you get a Goose who has everything?

Well, the same question arose for Christmas and she answered it for me: A hospital stay, twice-weekly acupuncture sessions, a new car to more comfortably transport her to and from those visits, boxes and boxes of potty pads, a diaper bag (thanks, Greg!), a new sling, specially concocted medications by the truckload, Chinese herbs, a stethoscope, a new airbed and blankets, several more doctor’s visits and lab tests, home-cooked people food and never leaving her alone long enough for a round of golf (priceless).

Kess is thrilled about her birthday.

And of course she also got some new necklaces, toys and treats to make the gift opening session more fun.

Now what to get her for her birthday? Shhh… don’t tell her yet and spoil the surprise, but she’s getting another urinalysis! She’ll also be starting a new hydrotherapy regimen this week with underwater treadmill workouts. She’s having a chicken pecan Lean Cuisine lunch (she’s tired of my cooking) and tonight we’ll be celebrating with a big birthday steak.

I got a little something for her birthday, too. Check out the strategically placed Birdie Girl bag behind her in the picture. Now I just need a chance to use it! I’m sure Greg will come over and babysit and maybe I can scrape up enough change from the couch cushions to pay for a round.

I know, I know… poor me. But only literally! I’m lucky and elated to have her happy and home to celebrate this big day and with a lot more luck and love, she’ll be celebrating her 13th standing on all fours!

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Non-golf Goose post

January 6, 2007 / / 4 Comments

This isn’t golf related but if anyone’s interested in seeing more of the infamous Goose, you can see a cute video of her opening some of her Christmas presents here.

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Merry Kess-mess

December 22, 2006 / / 3 Comments

And Happy New Rears!

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Ask the Goose: question from Scott

November 2, 2006 / / 3 Comments

Scott in Thousand Oaks, CA writes:

What do you do all day to keep busy while Kristen [the golfchick] is away at work?

Thanks for asking, Scott. Sometimes I feel so forgotten.

Now that I’m a retired security executive and don’t have the requisite thumbs to play golf (that lack of freakin’ thumbs has plagued me all my life), I still seem to find plenty to keep myself occupied. Sleep is paramount among my hobbies and time-fillers. I’m not even too keen on the obscenely overflowing room they call a toy trunk anymore.

Actually, Mom’s been working from home when not traveling with her current gig, which allows for slightly more peaceful sleep. Notwithstanding the onslaught of kisses and pets I receive every time she nears me, I prefer her being around simply because it’s less work for me.

Allow me to explain.

My career with the Williams Household organization was long and honorable and I enjoyed a generous compensation plan. Part of that plan was my college fund. I failed to read the fine print of that benefit and when I neglected to go to college, it automatically rolled over into my Medicare plan. Although not quite as convoluted as I understand the human equivalent to be, this Medicare is a bitch (no offense to myself). Granted, I’m taking full advantage of the monetary benefits with my current illness and ongoing disability and I can use whatever drug plan suits my needs best, but here’s where I actually get to the point of answering your question: I have to do chores!

That’s right. How many Medicare recipients do you know that are required to do laundry, clean the house, go grocery shopping, cook the meals and take out the trash? I mean, I don’t actually do those things, but I’m supposed to. Actually, I enjoy taking out the trash, but I don’t do it quite to the satisfaction of the plan provider. And lately, I have been struggling to do even that.

Here I am after a failed (foiled) attempt at taking out the trash Goose style. Look how I play it up for the sympathy. It worked, too! Mom didn’t even get mad at me for the attempted smorgasbord.

I have to admit she’s been more than gracious in light of my frequent contretemps due to my temporary infirmity. I guess I’m lucky she only beats me on Wednesdays. Maybe this plan isn’t so bad after all.

It seems the answer to your question is that I don’t do much of anything whether she’s home or away. Now excuse me while I drown my sorrows in pooch hooch.

Yours,
The Goose

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Ask the Goose – question from “Chuck”

August 8, 2006 / / 0 Comments

Chuck from Woodland Hills, CA submitted this question:

Dear Goose,
My name is Chuck and I am a very handsome black and white cat. (Note I didn’t say kitty, that’s for pussies!) Anyway, I have a major problem with my parents! I know they love me but they keep leaving me!!! And it makes me so mad just cause they want to go have some fun. Hey — aren’t I fun enough??

Well, the problem is that when they get back, the way I show them I’m unhappy with them I think just might cost me my life!! You see, I peed on my Dad’s shorts and peed on my Mom! Yep — you read that correctly — I peed ON her!

My Dad just took me to the vet to get checked out and do you know what the vet had the unmitigated gall to say? That I had a small kitty brain and what did they expect from me?!!!! Can you even believe it? I AM appalled.

Well Goose — do you have any suggestions for how I can show my displeasure with my parents when they take off for places unknown and just abandon me at home ALONE? I think my Mom can probably handle it but it’s my Dad I’m worried about. Should I go back to throwing up on the carpet or bringing them a dead rat? What’s a cat to do?! Anxiously awaiting you’re response with bait on my breath!

Fondly, Chuck
PS (Love the golf blog!)

Dear Bait,

What the hell is wrong with cats? As you mentioned at the end, this is a golf blog! My mom didn’t want me to post a response to this!

You call yourself a cat but you are truly a pussy. I never understood the stupid kitty brain anyway. When my mom goes out to play golf or leaves me for any other reason, I get upset but I get over it right away! Live for the NOW, you moron. You may have nine lives, but your time here is still too short to be spending it all stressed out. Frickin whiner!

Sure, sometimes I get bored and go through the trash or other fun things while she’s gone. Today I’m trying something new – posting a response on her blog to a dumb cat. She might remove it when she finds out. Anyway, when she gets home she’s all “disappointed” in me and I act remorseful for a little while and then the loving returns.

Throwing up on the carpet – now that I can relate to! Sure, do that! Or if you like rats, show them how you missed them by presenting one to them when they return. Maybe put it on the dining room table or on a pillow in bed. Just have your fun, take lots of naps and keep busy while they’re gone. Whatever you do, don’t try to punish them once they’re HOME, you idiot. Don’t you know that just extends your own misery? Why do you want them home so much if you’re not going to enjoy it?

Frickin stupid kitties. You’re lucky they haven’t woofenized you yet. Speaking of that, tell your mom and dad I’d be happy to provide a private one-on-one training session for you.

The Goose Kitty Project: I’m so scared!

Your doctor is right about your small kitty brain. That’s why cats get nine lives, by the way, because they’re so dumb. I’m surprised you haven’t used all yours up by now by sticking your paw in a socket or shredding yourself in the garbage disposal and other stupid cat stuff. Maybe you’ll get what you deserve and they’ll go all new age on you and put you on some kind of pussy anti-depressant.

Good luck,

The Goose

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