This past Tuesday, Annika and Lorena were the only ones on the golf course for this epic one-on-one duel. Stroke play format. Nine holes. One bag. Who would prevail?

Annika won the toss and teed off first, but honors changed hands several times as they battled back and forth. Both women used the same clubs – literally, not just club selections – and they took turns carrying the bag. It was only nine short par 3 holes but there was plenty of danger in the deep, unkempt bunkers that guarded most of the greens.

On the first hole, Annika pulled her Noodle (easy, now) a little but still ended up on the green leaving her about a 30 foot putt to the pin placement at the back. Lorena smoothed her pitching wedge and her Precept rolled up to about 8 feet. Annika nearly made her putt and tapped in for an easy par. Lorena’s putt lipped around the hole but she easily handled the remaining 3 feet to stay even.

A true Callaway chick, Annika didn’t appreciate “pulling the noodle” and she landed the next green with her sand wedge but it rolled just off to the left. Lorena watched the sloped green take that Noodle away and played her ball to the right of the pin. Alas, it landed just short of the green and stuck there. Annika popped open an Amstel Light to share as Lorena grabbed the bag and they moved on. Neither lady got up and down – two bogeys; still even.

Annika still had honors on the third tee, a true 140 yard hole with the pin in the middle and two bunkers guarding the front of green leaving only a small gap in the middle. Slightly against the wind, she drew a 7 iron just over the left bunker. Again, Lorena learned and played to the right but her ball released and rolled to the back of the green for her first tester putt. Annika had to chip back over the threatening bunker and landed it too far onto the green. She ended up having to make another short chip on and then two putted for a double bogey. Ouch. Lorena three putted. Double ouch but just a bogey. Lorena leads by one.

The fourth hole was about 145 to the back pin but without the serious bunkers. Again, Lorena plays to the right and ends up in the front fringe, but still at least 15 yards from the hole. And again, Annika draws her seven iron, this time ending up pin high but several yards off the green to the left. Lorena used her putter from the fringe and Annika chipped up. They both had ~9 foot putts from opposite sides of the hole. Annika made hers but Lorena burned the edge and bogeyed. Back to even.

Best hole of the day by FAR

The fifth hole is only 130 yards but is the #1 handicap hole. Behind the green are two bunkers and beyond those is just a tree covered hill. Long is no good. A large bunker guards the front with its big ol’ sneering, hairy mouth. We call it the mustache bunker hole. The course calls it “12th at Augusta.” Ha. Oh, and the green is quite shallow. Maybe 10 or 15 paces front to back. Left is OB. Right is the only real bailout. For some reason, I land this green more often than not and the hole doesn’t intimidate me at all. Oh, did I mention that I’m actually Lorena and Annika in this matchup? We pop another Amstel before teeing off.

Annika had honors back and selected her 8-iron for the task. Nice shot – again with the draw – but missed the green by a few inches on the left. And can you guess what Lorena does? That’s right – short and right. Right into the mustache bunker. But wait – what is that up on top of it? A bird of some sort? It looks enormous.

And this is where it gets really cool.

As “we” got closer, I realized it was a hawk sitting there just above the mustache lip on the fringe between the bunker and the green. And, directly where Lorena needed to play her shot. I figured it would fly away as I approached but it didn’t. I set down my bag beside the bunker and just stopped and stared for awhile and the majestic bird checked me out as well. Oh, how I wish I had my camera. After awhile, when it still didn’t leave (and I really didn’t want it to), I let Annika play her ball first even though Lorena was away. She could have putted, but she had been pretty sharp with the short chips plus I thought that might make him fly away so Lorena could play her bunker shot. Nope. So “Lorena” stepped into the bunker and to her ball, less than 10 feet from this giant bird. He stared at me and I wondered for a moment if he was going to peck my eyes out. I told him how beautiful he was and not to worry – “I’ll just play out to the left here.” Which I did, and the hawk still stayed. I wondered if he was injured. I raked up my mess and even that didn’t scare him off. I stood there staring at him for awhile longer until he finally and gently took flight, low and right in front of me, then gradually starting to soar away. Amazing. Lorena’s shot was nice, but her sacrifice for the hawk forced her to chip up and two putt for a double bogey. Annika made her par and took the lead by two strokes.

The next hole is cute. It’s listed as 87 yards from the back tees. Yes, there are actually a couple holes that have tee options and this, the shortest hole is one of them. The forward tees are at 68 yards but they’re also much closer to level with the hole than the backs, which you have to climb a few sets of stairs to reach. I estimate it’s about the same distance from the backs and the fronts because of the elevation difference but the backs are so much more fun! It’s a total feel shot, which evidently wasn’t factored into its distinction as the easiest hole on the course. I think it’s funny they handicap the holes (and name them) at all, but I adore the scrappy little practice course even if it is a local joke. Annika put her Noodle in the bunker and Lorena stuck her Precept with some nice backspin. Annika bogeyed but Lorena missed her birdie putt to tie it up. Oh, did I mention I was also the commentator? Annika leads by one.

Seven isn’t much of a challenge at 110 yards with little danger, but Lorena made it difficult for herself. She had honors and, of course, her tee shot went right but this time more so and it kicked over close to the tees on the next hole behind a couple trees but they were tiny enough she had a tricky but decent shot at the green, which she made and then proceeded to 3-putt for a double bogey. Annika’s tee shot plugged in the fringe then technically two-putted but used her putter three times to get the ball in the hole for a bogey. Annika leads by two with two holes to go and has honors back again. She pops open the final beer.

The 8th hole is another tricky one. Another 130 yarder with serious bunkers surrounding the green with just a few yards opening in the middle. Annika finds another bunker. Lorena sticks it tight. Annika makes a nice, delicate shot out of the deep bunker but can’t make the putt to save par. Lorena makes the birdie and ties it up. Annika tries to share the beer with Lorena, but Lorena declines.

The last hole is the longest one on the course at 165 yards to the middle pin. The longest club “we” brought was a 5-iron, but I figure if I play the draw shot Annika’s been using that should give us the distance. Lorena did her signature shot – short and just barely right – while Annika drew hers over the bunker and just left of the green. Neither got up and down – two bogeys. This thing’s going to a playoff.

The course attendant was hitting balls at the range by the parking lot so I loaded my bag in the car, grabbed my wedges and putter and asked him I could play another hole for a playoff.

I intentionally timed this “round” so that I’d show up about 5:45 PM, just as everyone else and their brothers were settling in to watch the Laker game, so the course was wide open. (Everyone but celebrities, of course. They took up all the seats at the Staples Center.) I was seriously the only one on the course almost the entire time. I could have played 10 balls if I could have kept track of the leaderboard. Naturally, the course worker granted my request.

It was a pretty pathetic ending on playoff hole #1. I think the beer went to Annika’s head. Her wedge sent her Noodle sailing over the green and beyond the back bunker. Lorena hit the middle of the green. Annika chipped on over the bunker, past the hole and past Lorena’s ball. She assumed Lorena would at most two-putt so she needed to make this 25-footer (almost the exact same putt she nearly made her first time on this hole). And here’s the really sad part: Both ladies 3-putted so Lorena walked away the winner with a bogey. Blech.

At least I’m consistent. Two 34’s on a par 27 course. My record there is 30, and the secret is staying out of the bunkers. I was happy with my scores for all the bunkers I was in. Normally, you’re lucky to get out in one from these beasts. Raking bunkers used to be absurd here. It feels like sand straight from the beach (and probably is) but they used to be so trodden they looked like a busy beach on a sunny holiday. We would play the “Sinaloa rule,” which means you get to lift, rake and place. We didn’t play that rule for this round and I got out in one every time. Much nicer now, indeed. They’re taking better care of the whole place, in fact. I never thought I’d write up a round at good ol’ Sinaloa, but there you have it. The silly little Simi Valley course is great for beginners and practicing one’s short game, but you’d never catch an actual pro playing there. You can always get on and even with all my shenanigans I still completed play in just over an hour. It does get busy and can get backed up but it’s two hours max. They’ve been watering the heck out of the place, too, which makes it prettier but where the greens used to be unpredictably bumpy, now they’re squishy and hold onto footprints. Oh well. Progress nonetheless. Plus, I hear the city has plans to overhaul the course, add 3 18-hole mini golf courses and a water park and maybe remove the driving range. We’ll see! And hey, it only costs $10 to play!

Speaking of cost effective golf, the Noodle Annika played with was indeed the same one I used for both rounds in Primm. Now that’s cost effective golf. I thought it was interesting that Annika’s shots mostly drew while Lorena’s Precepts were mostly short and just right. Could it be the ball? Perhaps I’ll have them trade balls and play a rematch during tonight’s Laker game. I promise not to bore you with the entire play-by-play if I do. (Did you actually make it through all of this? I really need to learn how to use that “more” tag, huh?)

Update: The rematch took place. Here are the results.

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