Here’s a fun little video that landed in my inbox.
I don’t know about you, but I’d love to feel the magic of Tiger’s swing for a fleeting few moments!
The Golfchick
That chick blabbing about anything golf related.
Category: Tiger Woods (page 2 of 2)
When Tiger won last year’s PGA Championship, he and his wife Elin announced that they were expecting a child.
Last year at Medinah
That child, Sam Alexis Woods, was present and rooting in a baby golf chick kind of way as her father won the same event this year for her coming out party. Her first tournament, his 59th PGA Tour win, his 13th major win, his first major with her as his good luck charm. Oh who am I kidding? As if Tiger needs luck.
Sam Alexis appears to be human, but then so does Tiger when he’s not playing golf. Can that kind of dominance and perfect timing really be the work of humans?
On another note, was I the only one who enjoyed the “sweaty man” aspect of watching this tournament? Well, a handful or two of those men, anyway.
Born with a 4 handicap, she could probably hold off on starting her practice routine, but here is Sam Alexis Woods diligently working on her grip in her sleep. What you can’t see in a still picture is the flexing of the hands that follows the rhythmic and adorable gurgling baby sounds.
Also seen in this picture is the conspicuously empty white clothing, like a blank canvas just calling out for a sponsor. I guess Nike will have to take their endorsement package to an all new obscene level to snag this little sweetie.
Ever the dog lover, I couldn’t resist including this family photo featuring Taz (the border collie) and Yogi (the scene stealing labradoodle). I think the baby’s in there, too.
(Both photos ©
These Guys are Good Pretty Good Better than You.
Whether it’s all part of the hoax or not, Tiger Woods looked almost human at The Masters.
In fact, Augusta National Golf Club made a bunch of professional golfers look silly this year. The combination of the weather, the rock hard course conditions, insanely slick greens and magnitude of the event made for unprecedented high scores at The Masters this year. The more it gets to you, the more it’ll get to you.
The shot that doesn’t fly as far as you’d expect and spins back into the water starts you thinking.
Now that you’re thinking, you miss a putt by less than an inch and it ends up 10 feet away from the hole which makes you nervous.
Now that you’re nervous, your next tee shot finds the trees and forces you to lay up (if you can get out) and now you’re scared.
Now that you’re scared, you remember where you are and you try too hard instead of just playing your game.
Now that you’ve abandoned your game, you’ll be lucky to shoot even par.
Don’t try to tell me these guys made bad swings, poor decisions and squeaky putts because their skill sets weren’t strong enough. They should be able to adapt to difficult course conditions, formulate sound strategies, club up and calm down. They got rattled on that first demanding day and their mental games failed them.
The strangest thing about it all for me is that every golf writer or blogger I’ve read is complaining that it was no fun to watch! Au contraire!
Now it’s not that I enjoy watching people suffer (not that anyone who gets invited to play at Augusta – in The Masters, no less – should be considered to be suffering at any time) but watching them struggle a bit allowed me to relate a little better to the players.
Of course, if in some parallel universe I actually got to play that course in those conditions from a special set of tees at a reasonable distance even without the added pressure of the event, I’d be lucky to break 100. But the point is, their struggles were recognizable. I am very familiar with punching out from the trees and hitting from drop areas and three putting. I could practically feel myself there doing it.
Unlike Zach Johnson whose dream of playing in The Masters was realistic, most of us will have to settle for watching others do it. Perhaps a realistic dream for mere mortals is to watch them do it in a recognizable fashion.
For me, this tournament was not only not boring, it took entertainment to a new level for golf. Even if my skills could improve enough so I could play more like the pros, this may have been the closest I’ll ever get to playing Augusta.
It is Friday night, right? I expected to be doing something else tonight but my other half is down with some kind of nasty cold. Rather than dosing up on Airborne and Emergen-C like I’m known to do in such situations, I opted instead to go the route of the martini. Truth be told, I intended to do the martini thing last night but I never got around to it, so I am glad for the opportunity. And though I’ve cautioned in the past against drinking and flogging, here I am – sitting with my Goose, my martini (also a goose of the gray variety even though they spell it wrong) and Tom Waits, typing away. I have to say that these blue cheese olives I bought at BevMo suck. Shoulda stuck to my own hand-stuffed freshies. Ah well, live and learn.
I suppose I should find the point. Not the one on my head (I actually have a pointy skull and if I ever shaved my head I’d probably look like a real Conehead – my parents swear they didn’t drop me) but an actual golf-related type of point. Ah yes, golf horoscopes.
While sitting here surfing around, I found a site called Pargazer which is my new favorite site. This ain’t my first square dance, though, so I won’t stick it in my links list just yet. (Ever really connect with someone at a bar and declare them your new bestest friend and swear you’ll call?)
ANYWAY – Why do I like this site so much? It actually likens me to Tiger Woods simply because I was born within a few days of him. It’s mostly a site that sells stuff, but the gimmick is golf humor and horoscopes. I think we all like to believe in the reading of the stars when it’s favorable. Which is why so many horoscopes focus on the positive aspects of a person’s sign. This one uses the same general horoscopic – did I just invent that word? – theories and applies them to a person’s golf game. It’s pretty fun, actually.
I’m a goat, through and through. Hey, maybe that point on my head is actually a horn trying to stick through. No, that would make me a unicorn. Nevermind. Almost everything I’ve read about Capricorns pretty accurately describes me. Even the bad stuff. I’m a major astronomy geek which makes some people see irony in that I’m also terribly fascinated by astrology. Not Capricorns, though. They know that while we may be commonly known as pragmatists we can also be quite creative and apply that flair to our logic. When you really think about the cohesive nature of the universe, why wouldn’t the position of the stars at the exact moment of our births have something to do with our personalities and indeed, everything about us? I could go on and on and delve into quantum physics and really rationalize this.
But oh yeah – this is a golf blog. And I’m like Tiger Woods. Just lookie here:
But wait a minute…
Isn’t it interesting that there’s no mention of noted female Capricorn golfers? Nancy Lopez and Natalie Gulbis are both Capricorns. Shame on you, Pargazer! Now you’re not getting on my links list for sure (as if they’ll feel the pain). I’m not going to spend any time researching this right now but it seems to me that horoscopes are typically more of a chick thing and the folks at Pargazer are morons for not knowing their audience.
There may be critics who say Natalie hasn’t won, she won’t win, she doesn’t “have it,” she’s too “flaky.” If anyone doubts what Natalie Gulbis will accomplish, hear me now: if she wants to win at golf, she will. She may be too busy right now applying her dogged Capricorn-ness to enlisting sponsors, endorsements and fans at the moment, but when she really focuses on golf, watch out! Calendars Looks fade; skills develop. She’s a goat, alright!
Okay, so I’m way older, shinier and drunker, but can’t you see the Capricorn in us both?
No human being can play golf that well so consistently. The kind of domination Tiger Woods wields over everyone in the world who plays golf requires a mental consistency of which no human being is capable. Therefore, Tiger Woods is not human. So what is he? Well, I have a few theories and stay with me because they kind of blend into each other. They are:
A. Tiger Woods is a robot
B. Tiger Woods is an alien
C. Tiger Woods is a changeling
First, you know we common folk aren’t aware of the truly cutting edge technology that exists and prototype testing that goes on in secret. Tiger could be the product of the uber-private robotics industry. This could either be done in the private sector or by a major government power. Given that he is an American, probably the United States government. I don’t see another country’s government just handing us a winner like that even if it meant a better cover.
Second, you know we are not alone. Not only in the universe, but here on Earth. Exhibit A: The praying mantis. 
A friend recently pointed out to me that they are, of course, actually aliens and I completely agree. Look at their cool demeanor and the way they observe the world and indeed, you. Look at the way they control their numbers on Earth in order to remain inconspicuous until they decide to take over: the females bite the heads off of the males after mating. I think they know that the human form has the greatest advantage over other species on the planet and they will take the form of humans once we have killed ourselves off with our stupidity. Tiger might just be their prototype. That’s where the third theory comes in and the blending begins.
Perhaps the aliens are capable of a changeling type of metamorphosis.
Is this what Tiger looked like before the change?
“Achieving trust is always the final step with a change.” – Tiger Woods
Maybe deep down, he wasn’t talking about his swing.
More than likely, their evolution is so far beyond our own that we couldn’t even comprehend the kind of mental discipline, intelligence and physical power they possess. Maybe they didn’t want to “waste” one of their own by experimenting with the form of a human. Instead, they developed a robotic simulation of themselves for the test. I guess the simplistic human equivalent would be like sending a monkey into space before a human.
How about when he doesn’t win?
If Tiger ever has a bad hole, four in a row, comes in second in a tournament or even misses a cut, you can bet it’s by design. They don’t want to blow their cover. It’s just that their little experiment has his own highly involved intelligence center (way beyond our simple brains). He’s fully capable of winning every tournament every time and they let him dominate the sport but he’s gotta make it look good. Lately, I think he disobeyed some of his orders and is drawing too much attention to himself. I wonder if they’ll rein him in a bit.
But he’s so emotional!
Oh, and what about that emotional display at the British Open? Was that some kind of flaw in the dominant mental system? Not at all. He became attached to his earthly father and probably has some true feelings there, but I think he never would have expressed them. The superiors were looking for a way to make him appear more human, so after his “father” died, they had him miss a cut and then activated his emotion chip on the 18th hole at the Open. I wonder if his earth family and Steve Williams are the biggest victims of the deception or if the aliens are using some kind of mind control in order to let them in on it.
Why Tiger?
Okay, so why would they choose to do this with a golfer? Easy. They wanted it to be an athletic figure so they could test the physical capabilities of the human body. They wanted him to be a public figure because it’s just fun to bamboozle so many people. Of the sports, golf is the most mentally challenging. But most importantly, it’s the sport with the most nature around so the mantis can observe unobtrusively. I’d like to see some of that nose-hair zoom camera work at the next PGA event focusing on the mantis leader.
So, there you have it. Tiger Woods is a robotic changeling alien. You heard it here first.
Photos courtesy Erich Mangl.
Up until almost two years ago when I started playing golf myself, watching golf on TV for me was like watching paint dry. Now that I am a golfer and I understand the challenge I’m watching, I still find myself falling asleep with the Tivo remote in my hand. Now it’s more like watching someone paint: sometimes it’s a masterpiece and sometimes it’s a white wall. The Open Championship had a bit of both for me.
Getting up
Watching Tiger Woods play a nearly flawless round (or four) is pretty amazing. He made some exciting shots even though his game was really safe. The final round had plenty of drama and intensity, especially if you were rooting for Chris DiMarco like I was. Having Ernie Els in the mix was fun and made things interesting, too. And watching Tiger’s emotional floodgates breaking down on the last hole was delicious. You could almost see his composure seeping out as he walked to the green and finished the hole. Then, when it finally broke, it was a dramatic demonstration of how impressive his focus really is. He wore that competitive golf robot persona for the entire tournament and wow, was it heavy. His emotional display brought tears to several people’s eyes and almost had me as well. Good for him. Nice win.
A little privacy, please? I guess the price you pay for being the best golfer in the world and earning all the money that goes with it is having your intimate moments in public. But could that camera guy get any closer? Photo from Golfweb.com.
Getting down
Having said that, 18 under at a major? Seven players were double digits below par. What a dull course! I know it’s probably like golf blasphemy to criticize such a historic golf course, but come on! Boring. And ugly. Have these guys ever heard of watering a course? The announcers kept talking about the lack of rain there. There’s this thing called irrigation. Blech.
Looking at the course from the air is actually quite nice. From the ground it’s another story.
Photo from Golf Digest.
Tiger was smart to just play it safe and keep the ball in the fairway. Sure, he’s more of a machine than other players and can make more of those longer approach shots, but it was a pretty easy course for most of those guys anyway. And if more of them played that safe strategy, the Royal would have been an even duller dullsville.
Moving on
I often sit around and ponder… how can I be more like Michael Bamberger? But who doesn’t, am I right? I said earlier it was a “nice win” for Tiger. Or was it?
In the Conditions section on the entry form for the Open, it states that caddies must wear the Open Championship bib during all practice rounds and the championship. It also states that players are responsible for the conduct of their caddies as well as their adherence to the conditions. Steve Williams removed his bib on the 18th hole before play was concluded. On the 18th hole! Of course Tiger and Steve had gaggles of cameras on them for the whole tournament, but the most visible spot and seen by more people than anything is the 18th green and the winner. People who don’t watch or care to watch golf will see it in the newspapers and on TV without trying. And Steve wasn’t in the correct attire.
Without Steve’s bib, how are we to know which winning Sunday this is for Tiger?
Photo from Golfweb.com.
So, should that have been a two stroke penalty? Or a DQ? The Conditions also state that the championship committee can amend and interpret the conditions, so I guess it’s up to them. Taking the win away from Tiger for such a technicality would be scandalous, for sure. But when it comes to golf, rules are usually rules.
Yeah, who doesn’t?
I admit it. Putting is not among my favorite things about playing golf. I like whacking that little ball and watching it fly. Putting just isn’t sexy. I’m pretty sure Tiger Woods would vehemently disagree on that point, which is why I’d really like to change my own attitude about it. While my golf game is teeming with opportunities for improvement, putting is easily identifiable as an area where I could shave several strokes off my scores. Still, during practice sessions, I’d rather take full swings and hear that satisfying thwack. I really need to commit to working on my putting game off the course.
Yeah, yeah, we’ve all heard “drive for show, putt for dough,” probably enough that we want to throttle the next person who says it. But let’s face it — most of us aren’t playing for the kind of dough that really makes putting that important. Maybe a couple bucks among friends. I do know that for me, the more there is at stake, the better I seem to putt. Evidently, even without practice, I could improve my scores with a little more focus on the greens when nothing’s on the line. Actually working on speed and touch and reading skills would serve to give me even greater probability of making those putts on which I really focus. Is that idea enough to inspire me to get out to the practice green more often?
Based on my data, if I eliminated only the stupid missed putts from my rounds over the last few months, I would have been in the 80s more frequently, in the lower 80s on several occasions, and possibly even have broken 80 once. Surely that idea is enough to inspire me to get out to the practice green more often, right? (I’ll call you Shirley if I want to.)
A tangent on different types of golfers
A lot of golfers can’t be bothered to improve their scores, they just like to get out there and “have fun.” Whatever. Sure it’s fun. But it’s more fun the better you do. And it’s even more fun if you’re competing. And it’s even more fun than that if you’re competing and you win. Winning is fun. Don’t misunderstand me — I absolutely enjoy playing the game. I’ll go out and play a round all by myself and truly enjoy it. I also know that every stroke of every round is helping me get better for the next time I am competing.
Then there’s that guy (you know you’ve played with him) who thinks he deserves to play better than he does even though he only plays once every couple of months. He gets down on himself for every poorly executed shot, and if he’s having any fun at all, he sure doesn’t show it. I played with that guy last weekend at
I hear people talk about Tiger’s golf game and it seems like it’s always about his distance, his drives, his amazing recoveries to get on the green out of trouble. Those are all fantastic, but if I had to pick one thing about Tiger’s game to emulate, it would most definitely be putting. I don’t watch a lot of golf on television, but when I do, or when I see highlights of his wins, he’s always making incredible putts! A lot of times, he’s not making birdie because he’s stuck it close to the flag, he’s making it because he can make the longer putts. He saves par the same way. He doesn’t turn a troublesome lie in the rough into a bogie by going for the pin because he doesn’t have to. He knows he can put it in the middle of the green and still make the putt for birdie or par. Even from the middle of the fairway, I’ll play smart sometimes and avoid that pin but then I’ll three-putt from 20 feet. Dumb. Won’t that idea get me out on the practice green more often? I want to putt like Tiger. If only I’d get out there and practice.
The Speculum Squat. What I would give to see through Tiger’s eyes.
I wonder if the line of the putt actually glows on the grass for him.
What now?
Okay, here’s my plan. I’m going to start calling it the “practice facility” instead of the “driving range” to try to readjust my thinking on a fundamental scale. And, the next time I go to the practice facility, I’m only taking my putter. I’m going to practice putting for a half hour once a week. That’s a reasonable goal. It might not sound like enough to really help, but I know that if I get overly aggressive with it, I’m not likely to follow through and then I’ll be disappointed that I didn’t. So I’ll set this modest target, and since it’s more than I’m doing now it should still help my game.
Butter Putter
If you were a butter sculptor and you had already done a barn and a cow, what would your next piece be? The obvious answer is Tiger Woods. If you don’t see the natural progression, you must not be a real butter sculptor.
What’s that under the bench? Did the butter go to Tiger’s
head and cause him to not only eat a Big Mac, but litter, too?
This week I found myself in Des Moines, Iowa, where I was fortunate to find the Iowa State Fair poised to open its ten day run. The fair actually started the day I left, but the night before there was a free preview to anyone wanting to roam the fairgrounds.
A lot of the features and shows were open and running as well as restaurants and assorted deep fried foods-on-sticks stands. Some of the rides were even running. Most of the animals were there, though “Champions Row” was empty so I didn’t get to see the prize hogs which are reportedly a sight to behold. However, I did see a lot of cattle, swine and other animals I’ve never been so close to before. It was kind of thrilling.
Here is Scooter, the flirting Ostrich. He was into me. I could tell by the
way he kept batting those long eyelashes and leaning in for the photos.
Whatever you do, don’t forget to make your way into the Agriculture building. That’s where you will find the amazing butter sculptures.
I looked up the artist on the internet so I could give her credit since I’m putting her artwork on my site without permission. Her name is Norma “Duffy” Lyon and here is her website. It lists a few of her other subjects and has a picture of another of her sculptures – The Last Supper!
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FedEx Cup: Success? Tiger Woods: Sick.
23 under? REALLY? That’s the golf course we want them to play for the finals of the first ever Fedex Cup?
Sure, that was only Tiger, and it’s not like he’s human or something, but the actual men in the field laid waste to the course as well a mere 8 strokes behind that. Yes, mere. Tiger’s ability is just sick, so it’s not fair to compare other golfers to him.
Of course he won the FedEx Cup. And the Tour Championship. And Player of the Year. With authority. It wouldn’t seem right to have any of those titles go to anyone other than the world’s best golfer ever. So in that respect, the FedEx Cup was a success. I know a lot of folks were rooting for Stricker to win so the $10 million bonus would mean something, and at least he earned himself the $3M second place annuity. That’ll be some decent retirement money at any percentage rate. But let’s face it – if Tiger “sat on his laurels” and decided not to win, the Fedex Cup would have been criticized for not delivering the true champion. It would have been weird to have the Tour Championship trophy go to one guy, the Fedex Cup to another and the Player of the Year to yet another. Weird and wrong.
The Fedex Cup will continue to be criticized for its other problems – like the fact that the winner only had to play in 3 out of 4 playoff events (and could have done it in two), and the points system, and the schedule, and the final golf course, to name a few. But if nothing else, at least the right
manbeing won.Is this a human drinking glass?
Next post.